In a bizarre new scandal that could short-circuit Arnold Schwarzenegger's political career, a talking Governator doll has been accused of groping Barbie.
The allegations were made at a press conference outside Mattel's Malibu Dream House, where a tearful Barbie — accompanied by a Gloria Allred doll — described a 1977 incident in which a Governator action figure allegedly used his kung-fu grip to grab her chest.
A spokesdoll for the Governator, which is manufactured by a Connecticut company, denied Barbie's charges. However, a seven-week Times investigation has uncovered other alleged victims of Governator groping, including Skipper, Chatty Cathy and Gumby.
"When you press the button that activates the Governator's voice chip, he makes crude remarks," said one female doll, who requested anonymity. "He asked if my breasts were real or plastic."
Governator aides said their boss apologizes if he offended anyone, but they blasted Gumby's claims.
"Gumby isn't even anatomically correct," said Governator aide G.I. Joe. "There's nothing to grope."
Siegfried & Gray?
What will Gray Davis do next? Some have suggested he team with Las Vegas illusionist Siegfried (all that talk about fighting the recall "like a Bengal tiger" could pay off), but we think he's angling for a career in stand-up comedy. CBS has announced that Davis will present tonight's Top 10 list on "The Late Show With David Letterman."
Meanwhile, here's an example of top-notch investigative reporting in the Washington Post's Oct. 5 article about the mauling of Siegfried's partner, Roy Horn: "The illusionists have also played a role in the California recall. The Los Angeles Times has reported that their manager, Bernie Yuman, contributed $150 in Belgian chocolates to the campaign of Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger, while Gov. Gray Davis pledged in August that he would fight to retain his job 'like one of those cool white tigers owned by Siegfried and Roy.' "
There's just one problem with the Post's report: The Davis quote never happened. It came from our Aug. 5 humor column of fake recall news. For example, we said that after car-alarm magnate Darrell Issa announced his candidacy, he warned that "if he loses, he will activate a 'doomsday program' that sets off every car alarm in the state." We also spoofed Davis' Bengal tiger quip by saying he had vowed to fight the recall "like Tony the Tiger ... like one of those cool white tigers owned by Siegfried and Roy, or maybe like Tiger Woods, whichever sounds meaner."
Quote of the day
From a message crawling across the bottom of the TV screen during adult film actress Mary Carey's pro-porn concession speech on the Game Show Network: "The views expressed are not necessarily those of the Game Show Network, its parent companies, or the parents or grandparents of Game Show Network employees."
Runner-up quote of the day
From Comedy Central's Jon Stewart, while showing a clip of Twisted Sister's Dee Snider singing "We're Not Gonna Take It" while Schwarzenegger played guitar at a Sacramento rally: "How can any duly elected governor hope to compete with the entertainment juggernaut that is Dee Snider? For the record, Mr. Snider has been 'not taking it anymore' for the last 20 years. But this time he's serious: No more taking it. This is the dawn of a new age of not taking it."
A comedy timeline of the election:
Before the vote was in:
"Voting in Beverly Hills is so strange. My polling place is also a tanning booth. And you punch the ballot with a Botox needle." (Jay Leno)
"It was ridiculous — 135 people on the ballot and still nobody to vote for. This election is like satellite TV. There's 500 channels, but nothing to watch." (Leno)
"Today, Cruz Bustamante went into the voting booth, pulled the lever to shut the curtain and won a $25,000 jackpot." (Leno)
"This is the dirtiest campaign I've ever seen. Now there's charges against the Green Party candidate, Peter Camejo. Apparently, 25 years ago he groped a tree." (Leno)
From Letterman's Top 10 list of possible California newspaper headlines for tomorrow:
10. 135-way tie throws state into confusion.
9. Gray Davis fails to convince self to vote for self.
4. Millions of Californians move to Nevada.
2. Bush reminds nation: "You can't recall a president."
After the vote:
"Arnold was declared the winner just one minute after the polls closed. See that, Florida? At least we can count." (Leno)
"The people of California have spoken and we have said, 'We're all on drugs.' " (Craig Kilborn)
From Letterman's Top 10 list of how California would be different if Gary Coleman had been elected governor (as presented by Coleman):
10. Pretty much the same as Schwarzenegger, but less body oil.
9. Three words: Lt. Gov. Urkel.
5. Inaugural address would have a laugh track.
4. Television viewers wouldn't know if they were watching C-SPAN or Nick at Nite.
2. I would form a task force to find out exactly what Willis was talking about.
1. Unlike Schwarzenegger, I would admit I'm not qualified.
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