It's going to take two hours, but eventually, maybe, we're going to get to the end of this season of Dancing With the Stars and figure out who won this thing.
But first ... filler. Lots. Black Eyed Peas and Sara Evans perform (separately), pros perform, lots of interview segments, clips from throughout the season, dance reprisals from ousted contestants, etc etc.
There is one last round of dances for judges' scores, too.
The Design-a-Dance competition that's been going on all season results in a performance by the Go-Gos ("They Got the Beat") with Chelsie Hightower, Lacey Schwimmer and Cheryl Burke, as well as Maksim Chmerkovskiy.
Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas pick their favorite dance of the season to reprise as their final performance, and they pick their wizard Viennese waltz. They make some changes to make it more traditional. Len Goodman tells them that Chelsea is a fantastic dancer and he wishes her all the look in the future. Bruno Tonioli says they are all under her spell, especially thanks to her consistency. Carrie Ann Inaba says people know who she is now, no doubt. Scores: 10-10-10, for a 30/30.
Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy decide to reprise their first dance of the season. Bruno says she saved the best for last and has never danced better. Carrie Ann says she loves her for being herself and being so authentic. Len says she's shown resilience and improved her weaknesses and produced her best dance tonight. Scores: 10-10-10, for a 30/30. (Really?? Really?)
Hines Ward and Kym Johnson choose their samba that was dedicated to his mother as their final performance. So. Much. Fun. I bet they're sorry they just gave Kirstie 10s. Carrie Ann says Hines is the MVP to this season of the show. Len says dance is the product, but his packaging is appealing because he brings every dance to life. Bruno calls him a charming dazzler and Mr. Irresistible. Scores: 10-10-10, for a 30/30, rendering the judges' scores from tonight totally useless. Again. Nice going, judges.
The third-place finisher is Chelsea and Mark. Again, I say: REALLY? So much for my prediction that it was obviously either her or Hines. Huh.
The winning couple is Hines Ward and Kym Johnson, leaving Kirstie and Maks in second place.
Well, whew. I was totally going to flounce on this show if Kirstie took the trophy. She's been entertaining, but hardly the best.
What do you think about the result?