John Waters told Craig Ferguson that, at the Oscars, Lil Wayne should sing the song from "Toy Story 3," Tommy Lee Jones should be the red-carpet interviewer, presenters and winners should wear brown ribbons in sympathy for goiter sufferers, and the paparazzi should crouch under the tables at the post-awards ball to snap "crotch shots."
During a riotous appearance on "The Late Late Show," Waters also declared that each awards show had its own sexuality.
The Golden Globes? "Hetero swingers with gold chains."
The Razzies? "Heterosexual hipsters."
The SAG Awards? "Bisexual, I think."
The Oscars? "They're gay -- you can't help it." He advised parents that if they have a 10-year-old boy busy collecting Oscar ballots and polling family members for their choices, "he is gay."
Waters didn't really need to add that he didn't use "gay" in "a negative way."Having an actor who could play Oscar the Grouch serve as greeter, creating sympathy ribbons to acknowledge goiters -- those are typically original suggestions from Baltimore's reigning man of letters and pope of perversity, or as Ferguson called him early this morning, "America's guardian of taste and decency."
Watch the clips for Waters' eloquent and ardent declarations of affection for "Justin Bieber: Never Say Never," "Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives," "Jackass 3D" and "Of Unknown Origin."