I was never good at math. But music math? It's all starting to add up now. Here's Owl Meat:
Breaking news -- Scientists prove that Coldplay is boring
A survey of British hotel guests asked what music people played to fall asleep. Coldplay came in No. 1. The first time I heard Coldplay, I thought, "That sounds familiar. It's like Catherine Wheel and Radiohead had a boring baby."
That bit of mental algebra inspired today's diversion: Music Math. The rules are simple: There are no rules or wrong answers. I'll start off with a few of my own, which I hope will amuse you, but I'm expecting a certain amount teeth gnashing.
Coldplay = Radiohead + Catherine Wheel + tryptophan - exciting
Van Morrison = God + Jameson's
Jay-Z = Henry Kissinger + Bill Cosby ...
Black Eyed Peas = ( (Spice Girls) / 5 + Tony! Toni! Toné!) x fist pumping
Lady Gaga = (Madonna + Elton John) / Narnia
Paul McCartney = Angela Lansbury + Dora the Explorer
Yo La Tengo = Velvet Underground - heroin - Nico - cello + Hoboken
Harry Connick, Jr. = 1955 Frank Sinatra + (lame / gumbo)
Morrissey (2010) = Morrissey (1984) - 30 percent rage + 12 percent Bryan Ferry + 17 percent Vegas Elvis
Pink = One non-Four-Non-Blonde + (Red Bull x tater tot)
Shakira = Punky Brewster - kitsch + (Viagra x habaneros)
Vampire Weekend = King Sunny Ade + Talking Heads + Blur
Midnight Sunners, I challenge you to create some of your own perverse music math. Now I will retire to the Owl Meat bunker in case Jay-Z is looking for some payback.
(Photo by Getty Images)