"JERSEY SHORE" FINALE! For me, the hour kicks off with a message from a friend: "I'm not emotionally prepared for this." She could be talking about the guy she's interested in, but I'm confident that she's actually talking about the best MTV show since "Dismissed."
We start off where we left off last week: Ronnie, who punched a guy, is in a cop car and going to jail. The scene is accompanied by some terrible power-pop music that no one on this show would ever listen to. Back at the house, Snooki asks if she should call 911 to find out what's going on with Ronnie. "Don't call 911! I think that's emergency," says Sammi. She must have missed that lesson in pre-K. Snooks finds out he'll be able to post bail in the early morning, so Sam whines that this is the first night she has to sleep alone. Vinny (oh, Vinny, you are so wise but at least not as boring as you used to be) says Ronnie has to pay a price, and that price is why he himself advises people to walk.
In the morning, Sammi picks up Ronnie at the courthouse/jail/I'm not clear where he is, where Ronnie is sitting outside, looking oh so sad. He feels like a "lowlife." The Situation says it's awful that Ronnie was arrested, because it went from being an awesome night to, "snap your fingers", a bad night. OK: For real. I'm bored. We're 10 minutes in, and there's all this talk about feelings and emotions. It seems like I'm watching an episode of "Real World D.C."
The episode improves drastically when the guys decide to go out for Labor Day weekend. Mike tries to call a bunch of girls (he wants to invite out "somebody special"), but no one answers. The guys decide instead to have a boys' night out at "a Chuck E. Cheese for dudes." Meanwhile, Snooki is freaking out because she doesn't have a date that night. She tries to call Keith a couple times, but no dice.
Meanwhile, JWoww, who doesn't get enough air time, is outside, and she tells us that the gorillas are out. "Tall, completely jacked, steroids, like, multiple growth hormones," she says. "That's the type I'm attracted to." She runs to wake up Snooki. "There are so many juice heads out there. I'm like a kid in a candy shop," she says. But once Snooks gets out of bed, the juice heads are ... gone! For shame. And that's JWoww's season-ending moment.
Next up is a group beach outing. I'd just like to take a moment to reflect on this monumental occasion. OMG, THEY ARE GOING TO THE BEACH!!! All summer long, we've had gym, tanning, laundry, but NO BEACH. Guess they didn't want to get all sandy and sweaty. Mike starts to creep on a girl the others say is "in the teenage area." Snooki is still bummed that she doesn't have a date (again, a date for what, I'm not sure), so she goes back to the house to call Keith again, who blows her off. "Why would you make me like you for no reason?" she asks him. Snooks, don't hate the player, hate the game.
She then decides to start her own dance party on the boardwalk. People stare. "I was honestly going to put my hat down so i could get money," she says. The party is interrupted when she sees her ex-boyfriend, whom she's "still in love with." She asks him to come to the house; he blows her off. She goes home and spends the rest of the episode crying. Well, almost all of it ...
Back on the boardwalk, the boys are having a bromantic time. Elsewhere, we have romance. Sammi and Ronnie head out of Seaside Heights for a real date. Every time Ronnie looks at Sam, she gets "more and more beautiful." They toast to continuing their relationship after they leave the shore.
Poor Snookers is still crying. Mike comforts her: If a guy doesn't like you ... it's called [expletive] you, and there's so many people out there in the world that's gonna like you for you." That's gonna like you for you. Ha. He doesn't want to see his "little sister" cry, so he cheers her up ... by making out with her in the hot tub. He takes off her top; possibly her bottom. Yikes. "If you're hungry, try a snickers," Mike says. "Yeah, try me," she says. (Ew. I just typed that.) The Situation says he was thinking about "getting down" with Snooks, but he doesn't.
(In other news, Vinny gets Mike "back" for putting the cheese mixture under his bed by getting an ugly stuffed red bulldog and dressing it in a T-shirt that says "the Situation's #1 girl," meaning that's what all the girls Mike brings home look like. Not that funny. Try again.)
We end the finale with some sausages, peppers and potatoes. It's time for Mike's last dinner. Sammi Sweetheart gets to partake in the feast; clearly, it's not surf-and-turf or ravioli night. The gang reminisces about the summer (Oooh! There's a clip of Angelina! I forgot all about you, Angelina! "I'm a bartender! I do great things!"). They move out. And now, I will move on, too ... to the reunion show.