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Kate lies, cries to bitter end of 'Jon & Kate' finale

Could TLC have been more heavyhanded in the "Jon & Kate Plus 8" finale in hitting its one theme again and again? It went like this all night long: It's over, and it's sad. And it didn't have to be over, if it wasn't for Jon with his "warped" and "unhealthy" ways. But, hey, I'm not going to say bad things about my childrens' father.

Right, Kate. You and TLC are shameless.

Oh, you have to hand it to Kate, she went out in high-Kate-lying-through-her-teeth-and-crying-when-she-couldn't-think-of-any-more-lies-to-tell style Monday night.

Take your pick of the following crying points that Kate hit over and over: "It's too soon." "It's been cut short." "It's sad." "It's useless." "It's totally avoidable."

UPDATE: Don't forget live chat about finale at noon Tuesday (ET) at Z on TV.

If you feel sad, dear viewer, because it is over, blame Jon. It's all his selfish fault. Here look at how mean he is to Cara and Mady when they are trying to help him make signs for a lemonade stand. See, what a bad and selfish person he is. It's all his fault for all the tears you are seeing tonight. Oh, and did I mention that I don't tell the children about his girlfriends? 

"That's too warped for them...too unhealthy," organic Kate, the purveyor of all things moral and healthy, says.

The total takedown of Jon Gosselin was set up with the opening image of the sign Jon posted to keep TLC and its production company cameras off his property. Of course, the word "penalty"  was spelled wrong ("penelty"), and that proves how stupid Jon is, right? Because Kate is such a genius.

Forget the lemonade sale with Jon and the trip to the organic farm with Kate. That was all just garbage tape TLC used to pad out the episode and sell a few more ads. The finale, as several bloggers here correctly predicted, was really about making Jon look bad, and giving Kate more couch time to try and make viewers hate Jon for ending the show. Because we all know that as a father, he should not have the right to take his kids off TV. What are a parent's rights compared to those of the great TLC?

I really have avoided using the word "vile" to describe TLC, but I think The Lying Channel earned it with this finale and last week's episode in the way their producers set out to do a hatchet job on Jon.

Jon is an idiot, adolescent, self-absorbed, low-life fool of a fool. But he is not a bad person for taking his kids off TV, even if Kate said several times Monday night how much the kids "miss" being circus animals for TLC.

Oh yeah, that was the secondary theme, Kate saying again and again how many "great and unique opportunities" TLC provided for her and the kids -- opportunities that the kids otherwise would not have had if not for the generous and great TLC. She even thanked TLC at the end for the "tapes"" -- the videotapes that will record forever her family imploding before the eyes of millions of viewers.

Her closing words, "It's sad. It's cut short. It's too soon... I'm very grateful for the opportunities. I'm grateful for the memories. I'm grateful for the memories on tape."

Could you pimp your kids out more for TLC's cameras and profits -- and your borderline shot at being a third-rate talk show host? Let's see how happy your kids are, Kate, for the "memories on tape" that will haunt them the rest of their lives when they see their parents being mean to each other, when they see Jon making Cara cry, or Jon talking on a cell phone when one of his 5-year-old daughters asks for a popsicle on a hot day.

I have had enough. I can take no more Gosselin and TLC lies. I am handing off to Kelly. Here's Kelly and she is taking no prisoners:

And so it is, we have now come to the destination.  I know now how my parents must have felt many years ago, on a trip to the beach and we kept asking, minute by minute, “Are we there yet”?

How they must have wanted to pull their hair out, much like all of us have been doing these past five seasons…  Yes Kate, I said five seasons not five years because seasons are short and years are long and the thought of watching you day in and day out for 5 years is tantamount to self abuse.  ”Are we there yet”? 

Finally folks, we’ve pulled into the parking lot and it’s time for all of us to run to the sandy shores of freedom, relaxation and forget about this long national nightmare called Jon and Kate Plus Eight.  It’s over.  (Unless Jon has yet again, another Epiphany and wants Kate back and they realize their freebies are over and they need some cash)

At this point, I’m almost expecting a government bailout of the Gosselins by January and everyone who watched this exploitation of children should be placed in the witness “protectionish” program.  So, with that said, the show begins:

It’s a crazy life:

Last time on the set.  Kate looks behind her and acts like she is so surprised with the question from the PA.   She doesn’t like ends, goodbyes or no paycheck.  Kate says: “It’s totally avoidable and every job has it’s benefits. The fact that  she could go to work and her kids could go with her……..YEAH KATE… it’s bittersweet just like an unemployment check.  Is  there not enough?    Jon still talking about being 27, 32, having twins,  Tups   not ready for it.  …..He’ll always be a kid.   The father of 8,  loves New York, three hours from his house and work.  HELLO…….. Work???   What loving Dad moves three hours away from his kids????  Partying at all hours of the night could be work if you didn’t work.  The morning after is always hell.  Jon is moving forward and knowing what he has to do to save his family.  Those Red Bulls and Vodka  are really helping him out with saving the family. 

Hard to here Stories:

Kate has her need to protect them.  Is it safe, well thought out and Jon doesn’t take them many places without her.  I’m starting to realize, just 10 minutes into this slam fest that Jon is going to be trashed, no matter what.   Jon takes the kids to a firehouse to raise money for charities.  I’m believing this just like I heard from a debtor that the check is in the mail. 

The Gosselins working for a charity?????  That’s like saying the IRS is going to send you a Valentines card.  Jon kicks the twins out of the picnic table because they were acting rude.  WHAT??????   They were just coloring in coloring books.  HOW RUDE.    Jon cuts up two or three lemons and takes the kids to the firehouse to sell lemonaide.  I bet they sold about three glasses before the lemons ran out.  Typical Gosselin charity. 

The donation jar was about as big as a shot glass.  Jon thinks only in shot glass measurements.  When the babes showed, Jon turned the paper on the table into lemons.  WOW…… the lemonade was plentiful.  I thought I was watching a biblical feature of the Wedding at Canna.  Oh yeah, then Kate adds her own tepid response saying it was for publicity purposes.  Just forget about those trips Kate makes to Kinkos, Target, Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks, the bus stop and all the other photo ops.  Kate is looking good in this TLC white wash   Didn’t see Jon or Kate donate any of their church earned cash to the volunteer fire fighters. 

After the dinner break of 60 grams of saturated fat, fried food, without bibs, and no veggies, Jon dons a firemans outfit and moves toward the kids in an attempt to scare them.  He’d scare me without a firemans turnout clothes..  I only hope that they sterilized the breathing mask after Jon took it off.  Who knows what he was breathing into it.  All the kids got a firemans hat but I’m pretty certain, we’ll see them on Ebay tomorrow.  Gosselin Firehat anyone?

Kate discovers an Organic Farmer:

Kate takes the tups to the farm.  All of them except the twin girls.  They don’t count do they?  Twins are just twins.  Tups are just……….MONEY MAKERS.   They walk to the farm, about a mile.. RIGHT!!!  5 year olds can’t walk a mile without being tired, complaining.  She managed to get passed the P People, on a country road that has no curb, no sidewalk and KATE walks on the inside, next to the fence while the kids were all walking on the road.  Hmmmmmm,  she did this for the kids?  I’ve been on that road folks and it aint a country road.  Cars travel at 50 mph through the twists and turns.  Not something you want your kids to be walking on.

Kate loves organic cows. Kate says… “They are so gorgouse.”  Her first admission of any feeling towards anything.  She speaks about utters.  Well Kate, perhaps they could get a tummy tuck and a body enhancement too.  Maybe a push up utter helper and a tooth whitening ala TLC and they’d look HOT  grazing. 

MOMMY can we get down:

Kate pets a cow and talks about how many vegetables the cow has eaten.  For a minute there, I thought Kate was going to pick the cows up, tell them they were all getting a cow for Christmas and name them all at the same time.  Poor cows.  The kids started milking the cows and I’m almost certain that Jon was watching this and thinking about Kate Major, Hailey Glassman, Stephanie Santoro and all the other women he’s been with, remembering what a cow he is.  Hint to Jon…..You better keep grazing because the grass is dying.

Kate watching the cows being milked.  She was as excited as watching a car going through an emmisions testing station.  The cows weren’t really happy either.  Kate was there.  They know all about her.  Can’t wait for the cows to be on the interview couch.

Kids getting a Snack:

Organic, mind you.  Except for the Hershey’s chocolate that was added to their cows milk.  After the kids drank that organic concoction, they all turned into Transformers and solved the worlds problems…………Jon and Kate.

Kate says, “it’s been a great run.  I’m very greatful for the opportunities.  For the people who took us into their livingroom and supported us. “  She cried, yet again.   Let’s all pitch in and buy this woman a couch so she can cry and cry and cry and ……………
I’d be crying too if my check stopped coming in.  Good bye Jon and Kate and …..GET A JOB
As the great Walter Cronkite would say, “ And That’s the Way it is.”   Goodnight and good riddance to the program…Jon and Kate plus 8 little innocent kids.   Good luck to the eight little innocent, unknowing kids that were pushed, pulled and bribed into this horrible, horrible charade.  Time has recorded your lives and as embarrassed  as you may feel years from now, know that we weren’t watching you like a circus attraction, we ached for you and did all we could do to speak for you by blogging and asking for this to end…..for your sake.

And since this is the last episode, here is a special bonus post from Chrysee, who got this posted so fast, it drove her to take up smoking again. Here's Chrysee:

I can't believe I gave up Top Chef for this.  Here goes,
 
The Lies -  in some semblance of order thus far:

Kate: This was totally avoidable.
It was a job where.... I didn't have to leave home for work.  (then why did you do that so often, Kate?)
 [fiddles with necklace]

Jon:I gotta stop being a kid.
I kinda took advantage of it "for awhile" (uh,five years to be exact , Jon)

Kate:  I'm in a different boat than Jon. (it's the boat YOU built Kate)
I'm gonna do everything I can as a mother (better start soon, Kate)
 [fiddles with necklace]

Jon: I have work again.  (what???)

Kate:  I need them to see a hard working parent. (meaning herself of course, again better get at it, Kate)
I try not to do 'it' in a disparaging way (speaking of her childrens father)
 [fiddles with necklace]

(on Hailey) They don't know about the girlfriends at all  (uh huh, right Kate)
 [fiddles with necklace]


Oh good  a commercial.

We're back.

Kate: Jon doesn't take them many places alone without me
[uh oh here comes the bus]

cut to kids bickering and looking bored re: lemonade day. Jon actually disciplines the kids.  Yeah, TLC is trying to make him look bad (it's not working....yet)

Jon: (disses the paps -their fault for not raising much money)
 
Kate: I worry about his intentions, is this a publicity stunt.  (no, you don't Kate, cuz you do it ALL the time) 


Commercial # 2 (and I'm sick already - must...find...water...beer....anything...I...don't...think ....I...can....do....this....)

And we're back - on with the lies;

More firetruck/lemonade day,
some cute stuff with the kids

Kate: My goal has been to remain neutral, state the facts...blah blah blah
(Big Lie)

I feel like it's ended so suddenly and it's been taken away from me and the kids... (yep, same ol same ol, as predicted) 

Half over, commercial.
 
 I'm taking up smoking again.  See you guys later.

 

 

 

 

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