13 signs you don't want to eat there


Welcome to my life, Owl Meat. EL

Sometimes there are subtle signs that a restaurant might not be for you.

•    You have to construct your own burger, pasta, etc. from a menu of 50 ingredients. Be a chef already.

•    Bathrooms with ambiguous male/female silhouettes. Or labels like Knights/Damsels, Dudes/Dudettes, or Caballeros/Caballeras. Dios mio! My bladder is exploding.

•    They display a yellowed award that is over ten years old.

•    A place called Prometheus' Buffet where an eagle eats your liver – every day. Caveat emptor. Any restaurant named Caveat Emptor should also be avoided. (Don't worry the Latin/art history part is over). ...


Prometheus (1868) Gustave Moreau

•    The valet is a dude with this cardboard sign, "Wil park car 4 leftovers."

•    Waitresses in black uniforms that resemble retro morgue attendants. Not that there is a restaurant in Baltimore that dresses their servers as grim Todeswitwen.

•    Menus with food stains. No scratch & sniff.

•    The chef is sitting at the bar doing shots of Jaegermeister with the dishwasher. Ditto for mumblety-peg.

•    Photos of the owner and family with washed up minor celebs.

•    The chef has a tattoo ... of Anthony Bourdain ... on his neck ... shooting up.  

•    Three words: Day old sushi.

•    The "sommelier" parked your car.

•    Your waitress is named Fajita and when you order the "Sizzling Fajita," she says, "Ooooh yeah" and blots her lipstick.  

(Photo credit: Getty Images)

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