John-John Williams IV reports on the finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Take it away, John-John ...
Lord Jesus! This season on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, we’ve witnessed inappropriate grinding with celebrity dance instructors; we’ve heard stories about the Columbian cartel and kidnappings; and let’s not forget the breast augmentation.
At points, these gals made the cast from Atlanta look like prim and proper debutants. The Real Housewives of New Jersey have definitely made an imprint on pop culture this year. With that said, I honestly thought that the season finale was going to be anti-climatic. Boy, was I so glad to be wrong. The hourlong finale was packed with juicy revelations, a near fight and resolution. It was the cherry on the top of the cake.
The episode starts with Teresa, the one who just got breast implants, showing off her new home, which is redonkulously huge! Can someone tell me what her man does? While Teresa and friend Dina are chillaxing at her new estate, Teresa announces that she is going to have a party. She also announces that she intends to invite Danielle. (Danielle is the “cougar” of the group. The last man she dated was 25 years her junior. She also has horrendous parenting skills. Her daughters are more like her girlfriends. Think Amy Poehler in Mean Girls.)
At Danielle’s house, she is showing naked modeling pictures of herself to her children. (Out of control!) She then tells her girls about a book about her that talks about her past arrest, name change, and other questionable behavior. (Danielle is still pretty mad that the book started to circulate. She blames Dina.)
Meanwhile, Jacqueline is welcoming her parents who are visiting from Las Vegas. Jacqueline is contemplating whether to get botox. Her mother advises her against it.
Dina, who is a mother-of-the-year candidate compared to Danielle, is dealing with the growing pains of her 12-year-old daughter Lexi. The two are getting rid of Lexi’s massive stuffed animal and Halloween candy collection.
Caroline, the oldest-looking one, is the sister of Dina, and the matriarch of the group. She was busy training her guard dog with her husband Albert.
Jacqueline's bratty daughter Ashley receives a brand new SUV for doing well in SUMMER SCHOOL! Seriously?!?!?!? Welcome to the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Jacqueline tells Ashley that the car is not hers full-time. She’s also tells Ashley that she has to keep up her grades in order to use the vehicle. (Whatevs!)
In the next scene, Dina, her daughter Lexi, and Caroline are out to dinner. They talk about Dina’s plans to “retire” from being an interior designer and event planner. (Lord have mercy.) I guess being a full-fledged housewife will allow her to watch over her daughter Lexi, who appears that she’s going to turn into major trouble. (Lexi confesses to the cameras that she’s proud about maturing and that there’s nothing her mom can do about it.)
When we come back from the commercial break, all the girls are heading to Teresa’s dinner. Teresa greets her guests and shows off her newest “acquisitions.”
The group sits down to eat. Danielle is the last guest to arrive. And the claws are drawn. It appears that things are going to be peaceful. (Among other things, Teresa starts talking about not wanting to have sex with her husband because of her plastic surgery.)
But Danielle pulls out the infamous book and puts it on the table. She goes into this whole speech about the book. Dina tries to interrupt. And then Teresa tries to interrupt. But, Danielle keeps on talking.
Teresa asks for the kids to leave. Danielle allows her kids to stay at the table.
“I don’t feel it was necessary to take it through the town,” Danielle said.
“I sat at home alone, throwing up with diarrea for three weeks because of you,” Danielle lamented to Dina. (Gross.)
In a surprise revelation, Caroline admits that she showed the book to people. Then she got gangster and told Danielle to stop attacking her sister Dina.
Jacqueline also steps in and defends Danilelle, which is tough for her because she said she felt torn between helping her friend Danielle or defending her sisters-in-law Caroline, and Dina. And then Jacqueline and Dina start screaming at each other. Dina calls Jacqueline “two-faced.”
Teresa jumps in and starts attacking Danielle. Things quickly boil over. Teresa yells obscenities at Danielle. She even flips over a table! (The real Jersey girl comes out!)
Back to the main event.
“I cannot stomach you,” Dina tells Danielle.
“The feeling is mutual,” Danielle counters.
Dina says she was going to pray for Danielle. The dinner ends with everyone leaving fairly peacefully, but the dinner table looks like its been shipped in from Beirut.
Just before the ending credits we learn that Dina is in fact retired and tending to her family and her cats; Teresa is now preggers; Caroline admits that she would show the book again; Danielle is still looking for her soul mate; and Jacqueline is also preggers, and has mended her relationship with her family. (Jacqueline, whose struggles with multiple miscarriages were mentioned earlier in the season, gave birth last week.)
The director’s cut of “The Last Supper” will be shown next week at 9 p.m. on Bravo. A reunion show will be shown at 10 p.m. I’ll definitely be watching both.
Here’s some food for thought: I wonder how many copies of the infamous book Cop Without A Badge will be sold as a result of this show?