And now, dear readers, Owl Meat wonders just what's in the gullets of those Somali pirates we all know and hate:
Flashback to third grade ... the future promised personal jet packs, moving sidewalks and robot maids. No luck there.
But even an imaginative tyke like me didn't anticipate ... Future Pirates! And here we are, ankle-deep into a new century and the villains of the moment arrrr ... Somali pirates.
Arrr ... pirates.
In yore-like days, pirates roamed the seas in tricked-out square-riggers fueled by greed, rotten meat and grog.
The British Royal Navy kept these grog-swogglers in check with, as Winston Churchill said apocryphally, "Rum, sodomy and the lash."
What fuels modern Somali pirates with their souped-up dinghies, GPS's and Bat Rope conveyance systems?
Even if their business model is pure 18th-century, surely they don't get their pirate swerve going with grog. We can eliminate Captain Morgan from consideration, since he's got more flair than a Tim Gunn acid trip. People romanticize pirates, for example this Bright Eyes emo tribute. I'll never understand the allure of a fancy lad with poor depth perception.
These pirates dress like Somali donkey racers on a home-made sorghum wine bender. That can't be it. Something more modern and violent. My theory: Red Bull and tequila.
Judging by their lack of style and talent, I would guess that Cabo Wabo is their tequila of choice (Take that, Sammy Hagar). I think that if I threw back five or six Pirate Bombs, I might get some friends together and hijack a container ship or maybe an ice-cream truck.
If Red Bull and Sammy Hagar tequila are destroying the fabric of maritime commerce, then what are our counter-measures? Some might say that my life is far too influenced by Bill Murray movies. I say we fight pirates Steve Zissou style: Campari (his drink of choice), red watch caps, Speedos and Glocks blazing while The Stooges' "Search and Destroy" blasts from the speakers on deck.
That's right. Campari kills pirates. And in a perfect world, Bill Murray shoots Sammy Hagar and throws him off the poop deck.
Have I gone too far? Maybe, but that's just the righteous sword of Campari talking. Mmm... refreshing.
(Photo by Getty Images)